Many know what, ‘it was worth the pain’, means. None, though, have sought out such blessings. Such sets the tenor of our lives. Too many strive to avoid it. Too few strain to not throw the baby out with the bathwater. We all live out, in differing fashions of uncertainty, what we expect.
All of us have known painful experiences. Out of such, few expect more than subtle blessings to emerge. We imagine no tragedy that will make us glad. Perhaps that is where our mistake lies. It isn’t what the tragedy is but that we chose to not toss out with the bathwater.
My discovering worth in pain rests solidly in my grief. Choosing to not allow my son’s choice to decide his ilk in my eyes is key. The gist was this shifting of my attention. Before his death, I had learned to not allow others actions to decide their caliber in my eyes. Kids, right on into adults make a plethora of mistakes. Choosing to see Dan’s deeds as only part of the young man I love had already rejiggered who I saw.
No sense of gladness in his death is seeded in his worthiness. His death has imposed on me what he did not have in mind. His crawling toward relief still imposed pain on me. By willingly accepting this pain, I have caught sight of a notch in the peaks of my distress. In time, I will cross through that pass and go on. His having saddled me with grief does not decide how I will see him in the coming months. I have decided to let my grief be like all the other things I watched and did with him.
Being wrenched by his choice is transforming the worth I see in my son. Acceptance of his choice has uncovered the depth of my love of him. I now know an unexpected sense of passion underlying my grief. Perhaps, I am now faced with an alteration outside of my control. Could my son’s actions and my choosing to not turn from him have opened a door that wasn’t there a few days ago?